"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq
> into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
> Jay Leno
>
> "War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi
> Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi
> Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'"
> Jay Leno
>
> "Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the
> coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls
> them, Britain and Spain."
> Jon Stewart
>
> "According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined all
> his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's
> got bombs in the military installations, in the airports, and
> he's mined all the government buildings. There's not much
> left for us to do, really."
> Jay Leno
>
> "Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that
> President Bush will confuse it with Iran."
> Craig Kilborn
>
> "President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to
> support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most
> powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick
> up, pick up."
> Craig Kilborn
>
> "President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't
> pronounce in countries he never knew existed."
> Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush found out something this week. Between the
> countries of Camaroone, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola
> plays the best music when they put you on hold."
> Craig Kilborn
>
> "As you all know we're about to start March Madness. That's
> NCAA college basketball tournament when they start with 64
> teams and you whittle them down to just one, you know kind
> of like our allies."
> Jay Leno
>
> "Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country
> and Saddam Hussein said 'You can do that?'"
> Jay Leno
>
> "A lot of students around the country protested the war today.
> The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an
> anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President
> Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'"
> Jay Leno
>
> "My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So,
> I took her down the street to the local Texaco."
> Jay Leno
>
> "Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach
> as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will
> be free."
> Jay Leno
>
> "Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate.
> The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English
> language."
> Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush announced tonight that he believes in
> democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can
> have a strong economy, they can have a good health care
> plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We
> can't even get this in Florida."
> Jay Leno
>
> "In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged
> President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this
> would be fair, since English is a second language to both
> of them."
> Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush has said that he does not need approval from
> the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't
> need the approval of the American voters to become president,
> either."
> David Letterman
>
> "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets
> rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with
> food, medicine, supplies, housing, education . anything
> that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with
> a domestic agenda . and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring
> that here if it works out."
> Jay Leno
>
> "Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations
> Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute
> presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded
> the world why America is second to none in the field of
> PowerPoint."
> Jay Leno
>
> "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
> Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a
> beret. He is French, people."
> Conan O'Brien
>
> "The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this
> week. This week. In fact, they don't even have a last meal
> anymore, now it's a buffet."
> Jay Leno
>
> "I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by
> applause and 75 times by really big words."
> Jay Leno
>
> "This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused
> President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked
> about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable
> word, of course he's fond of it.'"
> Conan O'Brien